ONE OF THE BIGGEST OBSTACLES stopping us from being happy with ourselves and release our true potential is the attempt to fit in the mould.
Society has taught us to believe there’s a set – ‘the’ set – of beliefs, attitudes, tastes and behaviours we need to adopt in order to ‘belong’.
You know: ‘the’ right way of living … 🙂
A vast amount of people ignore or corrupt their own beauty by attempting to abide by the social rulebook and adopt the trends and behaviours society and the media promote.
It’s not that there’s no right way of living. But truth is that socially rewarded behaviours sometimes live very far from common sense. Some are even downright harmful.
Yet we’ve been conditioned, ‘programmed’, to believe they are the ‘only’ way – ‘the way things are because everyone else does it and has always done.’
But who’s that ‘everyone else’? And who said we need to carry the past forward?
Yet, unless we are faced with serious failures, breakdowns, life-threatening illnesses or radical changes in our circumstances, we seldom question their validity.
You realise the impact of sociocultural propaganda when you live in a country where it rules relatively unchallenged.
When I started to work with Vietnamese youth, back in 2002, there was one generic answer to the question, ‘How do you see your future and what do you want to do with your life?’
‘Stable job, stable family, stable life’ – an overwhelming majority of businessman, technicians and bankers with a few rare individuals inclined toward social service, medicine and, rarer even, arts and psychology.
One’s own dharma, though imperfect, is better than the dharma of another well discharged
Bhagavat Gita.
And it was obvious many of those youth had no particular talent or background to venture into business or banking and that all they would probably do was waste their life, leave their potential unattended and sadden their heart trying to be someone they were not.
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Stating the obvious: the belief that we need to fit in a mould to be part of the world is a myth.
- We are all different, unique, and apart from ignorance or fear, there’s no logical ground for distorting our own natural individuality to ‘fit in’;
- Society and the world need differences, variety and creativity;
- There are millions of people out there who went out of the box and, not only survived but live healthy, useful, happy, integrated and sometimes highly successful lives.
It took me many years to accept that I didn’t have to be like everyone else to survive in the world.
I had been brought up to feel there was only one way to live your life – and that was to be an engineer.
Yes, you guessed it right – my father was a teacher who would have loved to be an engineer.
For me, I knew I didn’t want to become one because that dream belonged to him, but I had no clue about what I wanted to become …
I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know such a question existed. I didn’t know there were options …
It took time, discomfort and a fair amount of courage to challenge the official version of what it means to be a good citizen.
It took me through the domains of rebellion, doubt, guilt and loneliness as I left the well-travelled roads and ventured into new, uncharted territories.
We live in a world today where options are more visible. With globalisation and the internet, we’ve come to realise the obvious: there are many ways of living our life.
Each has its pros and cons and none appears to be ideal – but they work and they are different from the only one we knew: ours.
Passive imitation and adhesion to the popular voice is a limiting, superficial and unsatisfying way of living our life. It corrupts our own authenticity and integrity. It generates falsehood and insecurity, the two building blocks of ego, conflict and suffering.
Falsehood shows up when you buy into the belief that you need to adjust to what others expect of you. And because you have no clue about that, you try your hardest to figure it out and end up in a state of chronic confusion, insecurity and tension because your perception is based on what you think, assume or guess people expect of us …
That’s a very uncomfortable and unfortunate way of living our life.
It’s not that it’s ‘wrong’; it’s just that it doesn’t work.
Insecurity creeps in when we realise we’re dependent on external supports.
Praise, appreciation and the so called feeling of ‘belonging’ are like possessions, social status or relationships: we use them to build our sense of identity.
On the outside, it looks happy and stable. But on the inside, we freak out because we know very well we can’t control those things and, one day, they’ll go, we will lose what gives us that superficial sense of being who we are in world that makes sense.
Falsehood and insecurity are weak forces. They are unreliable motivators for our life.
They can make for a superficial life but not for a really successful or valuable one because they do not involve the deeper dimensions of our being where our true powers and talents lie.
We adopt them because everyone else does. But there’s no feeling of fulfillment there because doing that keeps us disconnected from our own inner being – the source of everything that’s beautiful and authentic in ourselves; of everything we seek.
Talents, values, potentials and our abilities to be aware, to make sense, make choices, act and feel great are all functions of our inner being.
Intelligence, intensity and integrity. If you don't have the third, the first two will kill you
Brian Bacon.
There are three important landmarks on the path to inside-out personal growth, self-empowerment, inner peace and authentic living:
- Recognising and honouring (i) your own intelligence, intuition and wisdom – the fact that you ‘think’ for yourself and that you can do that independently of what others or society think; (ii) your values and the qualities that live within your heart – the fact that you know very well how you want to feel and be; and (iii) your talents, dreams, personal power and creativity – the fact that you have the capability to influence reality.
- Organising your life around those things making those things. Your real self will come to the surface and your dream will manifest when you determine your real priorities and pay attention to be ‘internally consistent’ i.e. to align your actions with your true aspirations.
Yes – easier said than done!
You may know what you stand for, but to commit to organising your life around your values requires a focused, persistent and, somehow, disciplined approach.
Social influences and the conditioning we have inherited from our education are powerful and subtle forces that support the status quo.
~ Recognise & Honour Your Self~ Organise Your Life around Your Real Priorities~ Engage Your Energy into What Truly Matters
It takes time to change habits; it requires courage, tolerance, care, obstinacy and a substantial amount of something we would call ‘effort’ if this so-called ‘effort’ was not actually the primary source of our contentment.
But I was in for a surprise when I decided to be more authentic and free myself from lazy thinking: I discovered ‘effort’ was a joyful experience. I had thought it would be hard but I felt empowered and experienced a new, deeper and more complete sense of satisfaction.
The ‘effort’ itself turned out to be its own reward.
- The third condition required on the path to personal power, freedom and happiness is the ability to live an active, passionate, engaged and committed life – and yet walk the Earth in peace, free from worries, tension and feelings of self-importance.
There is nothing that corrupts behaviour and kills a dream more effectively than the desire for praise or even ‘success’ because it creates insecurity and insecurity is the number one killer of talent, intelligence and love.
How do we do that?
Know who you are, watch carefully, define your dream, cultivate clarity, confidence and core strength; expect the very best, act decisively, excel in what you do, give more than what is expected, and be ready for some exciting surprises!
And above all, enjoy the ride.
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